My Story

My relationship with alcohol started when I was 12 years old, then cocaine at 18. I believed that I needed to be able to drink a lot to be accepted socially so I made sure I built my tolerance up to a worrying amount. I then very quickly used alcohol to block out unwanted feelings created by relationship breakups and having a hard time in my job etc. I lost or had to leave most of my jobs because of my addiction, the money I earnt was spent on alcohol and cocaine. I lost two businesses through my active addiction. It’s only now that I realise that my motivations, logic and reasoning was way off key right from the planning stage. I understand now that my thoughts and feelings at the time dictated my choices and those choices would end up being bad for me and those closest to me.
I made the decision to give up cocaine in February 2017 but quickly realised that I couldn't stop or regulate my alcohol intake. Various family interventions and failed attempts at total abstinence followed until I was eventually asked to leave my family home in August 2020 by my partner and live on my own in a flat. Things worsened in a matter of days which culminated in checking myself in to Hay Farm (Promis), a treatment centre in Kent.
I was convinced that I just needed some time in rehab to get my head together and then after a few months I would have the mental strength to drink responsibly without the need for cocaine, cocaine always followed drinking for me. I was told repeatedly in treatment that total abstinence was the only way for me, to which I just nodded and went along with. Fortunately in treatment I was made aware of the 12 step fellowship programs, I was advised to check out Narcotics Anonymous and to attend meetings as soon as I left treatment. I agreed but conveniently forgot about this detail, I thought that I was nowhere near that bad.
Within 85 days I was back using again, drinking the usual amount and taking cocaine. Very quickly this spiralled out of control and I ended up in treatment again. The same happened, within 6 months I was back in treatment, something needed to click and I was convinced that I would find it on this visit to Hay Farm. I was looking externally for a solution, for some kind of format, framework and routine, like a blueprint to live my life by, that I would stick to militantly. Of course this was only found in delusion, although this time I did take the advice on attending NA meetings as soon as I left.
There is a saying in meetings: “Whatever you put in front of your recovery you lose”. I cannot express how true this phrase became for me. As my addiction worsened so did the consequences. I relapsed after 100 days, lost my business and was asked to leave my family home again. This time I moved in with my parents and got a job. I would spend the whole time thinking of using while on my own at work and on my commute, the sickness of addiction still had its hold on me causing me to obsess. After 6 months clean I gave in, carried out my watertight plan to drink and not take cocaine which of course failed miserably.
This would be my last and most frightening relapse, lasting 6 weeks: I am convinced that I came close to death numerous times. Drinking litres of vodka at a time accompanied by a lot of cocaine. I tried to stop multiple times in this period, weaning myself off of the alcohol. I just couldn't get completely off of it, I would relapse back harder than the previous time.
I am very fortunate and grateful to have my parents in my life, they have never given up on me and have always helped me. They asked me if I would like to go back to Hay Farm and I said yes please. This visit to treatment would be a breakthrough for me, I experienced key progressive elements and importantly made myself fully open, willing and honest. I started taking the medicine prescribed to me by my GP, completed the full course of detox medication and attended all meetings and classes within the treatment centre. I also got a sponsor and attended fellowship meetings while in Hay Farm. I had a very powerful spiritual experience during my stay at Hay Farm, it made me realise how my perceptions on life and reality had been off key my whole life and that no one ever fully attains perfection in their understanding of fundamental perceptions but hone their own perceptions that work for them individually. I realised that this was not something I could copy off of someone else or learn from a book, it’s an inside job and I have to make the effort internally to progress. The program of therapy given to me was just what I needed to make a start on the next chapter of my journey. I would spend time understanding who I was as a person and ridding my mind of false and toxic self limiting beliefs. I also found a connection with a force greater than myself, I found that things changed very rapidly internally and externally once I realised that I needed to take my foot off the gas and let the forces that created me and instinct take over.
After leaving treatment for the last time I successfully attended 90 face-to-face meetings in 90 days, this was difficult but I made sure I did it. I went to NA, CA (Cocaine Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and took service positions at 3 of them. I later realised that NA was the one for me but I am very grateful for all of the fellowships.
Today's date is the 30th of March 2024 and I am 382 days clean.
I truly believe recovery is possible for anyone.